It's a Healthy-esque Thing

 As a working mother in 2020, I just want one good day. I don’t feel like that is a lot to ask and I am manifesting my ass off. I am open to having a good day. I am setting myself up to have a good day, yet every day is worse, and more trying than the one before. I work with a health coach (who is phenomenal) and with her help I have switched my diet to be gluten and dairy free (both things I am sensitive too and impact my thyroid in a negative way) , I write a grateful journal every morning, including a detracted thought. I drink only water and a lot of it (but not too much) , I take supplements to help support my system on days when I can’t do it all through my diet (Vitamin C & D, Omega and Magnesium) . I track my daily intake to make sure I am hitting all of my macros. I walk everywhere with realistic daily step goals.   I am doing the work. But it’s never enough... that’s the motto of 2020, it’s not enough . It’s not enough to isolate and quarantine, we...

 You deserve an update: A lengthy, detailed (read: boring) update on me.  I am going to fast forward with dot jots: - CoVid started in March 2020 and has everything upside down. My kids have been home for 6 months and it's been a struggle to keep them optimistic and motivated - My marriage went through the ringer with all this added stress. We started Couples 'Book Club', code for therapy and it has made all the difference. We're happy and in love again. - I am still working at the clinic, but it has gotten exponentially harder, with screening and masks.  - School is supposed to start, but I doubt it will on time. Schools have left all their planning and prepping to the last possible second. That's all I am going to say, as I don't suspect that is a popular opinion. - I finished with Natural thyroid having gained 60+ pounds over 8 months. I started back on Synthroid and continued to gain and feel miserable, despite having 'good' numbers.  - I am going fo...

That could mean a number of things, but sadly it means that I am over 40lbs gained this year.  In fact, I have gained 40lbs in 7 months. Since I switched to NDT, since my thyroid numbers leveled out. WHAT. THE. FUCK. It was gradual-ish, a little over a pound a week. I wished it away as water weight, an off day or a wonky scale. I thought it would mellow out once the meds kicked in, but my friends they have kicked in.  Look. Those are great numbers, normal... nothing to complain about.  But I am up 40lbs, I am full of brain fog, wearing glasses, exhausted and grumpy.  WHAT DO I DO NOW? And maybe you're thinking... but muscle weighs more than fat and that is true, but I also haven't lost any inches.  You've heard the list before of all the things I think I am doing right... but it doesn't matter.  I didn't feel as pessimistic as I expected. I assumed my numbers would be terrible and that I could blame this crummy thyroid for...

There is always a positive message about loving yourself at every size. Being healthy is more important than being skinny, its just a number. But this past week we started working with an incredible Financial Advisor and you know what kept coming up?? My weight. First it was a simple line on the budget for gym, supplements, naturopaths etc. But then as we set up Life Insurance (how very adult) my weight kept creeping back into the conversation. And now our rates are affected, because I don't fit in to their little box, I have to have a full medical exam because of my thyroid and ratios. I want to cry. For all the work I have put in and the number on the scale only moves one way. I try to be ok with it, because I feel 'healthy', but again and again I am punished because my genetics aren't as amazing as Richards... or anyones. The number does matter and mine is TOO BIG. I am too big. Argh.

I have been excited about what's to come for a few weeks now, but I couldn't pretend it all happen easily. I think the struggle is sometimes worth the lesson. I think I need to venture off path to remember why I chose the path I did. This path is mostly well lit, successful and warm. I just can't stray. I started working with a Naturopath a while ago, I expected her to do this for me. I expected her to come up with a plan, force me to do it and I would wake up without all my baggage. It has happen before, but that was when I had far less baggage (pre-marriage, mortgage and babies). This time she outlined the areas of concern and offered guidance, but I wasn't ready. My head was filled with regrets about the weight loss grant and I fixated on a date, that didn't matter, then I punished everyone around me when I couldn't do it. So this Naturopath (I can so easily get lost in a rant)... she recommended the NDT and increased my dose every time I said it ...

Let's play a bit of catch up, I always wanted this blog to be about helping other people with less time than I have. People who have similar ailments, but limited resources. I have time, I listen to every health podcast (and true crime). I read every article, I am a complete information junk. I spend my free time figuring out what works, on my own and with professionals, I read self help books. But I am just me, I am not a professional, I don't have a wall of certifications, so this blog turns into more of a journal entry that you might pull wisdom from. Let's get all caught up; The Weight Loss scam grant; I completed a full year with the program which doesn't tell you anything. In that year I paid $3000 and I spoke with a dietitian 3 times, a counselor once and a fitness girl 5 times. The company I started with went bankrupt, the company that took over my contract wasn't registered with the program and would require my final weigh in to be at another cli...

I went down a dark road. I road littered with good intentions, but still dark and wide. Sometimes my insecurities, my esteem dwindle and I run out of the energy to silence the voices screaming I am not good enough. Sometimes I quietly agree with them and eat the Oreos in darkness wishing I could just disappear. This is the roller-coaster that is me. I try at something and when it doesn't work (usually because it wasn't right for me, not that I wasn't doing it right) I beat the hell out of myself and every aspect of my life suffers. I forget to smile at the good times, I wallow in the bad times and I get stuck. Sometimes it lasts a day, an hour... this time it was months of hopelessness, feeling lost, alone and like a full blown failure. I tried to handle it alone, I tried to hide how it felt to suck at life. Mostly I succeed... something I am best at, pretending I am ok. I think I am on the other side, I think I am ready to dive back into health and wellness, I thin...