You deserve an update: A lengthy, detailed (read: boring) update on me. I am going to fast forward with dot jots: - CoVid started in March 2020 and has everything upside down. My kids have been home for 6 months and it's been a struggle to keep them optimistic and motivated - My marriage went through the ringer with all this added stress. We started Couples 'Book Club', code for therapy and it has made all the difference. We're happy and in love again. - I am still working at the clinic, but it has gotten exponentially harder, with screening and masks. - School is supposed to start, but I doubt it will on time. Schools have left all their planning and prepping to the last possible second. That's all I am going to say, as I don't suspect that is a popular opinion. - I finished with Natural thyroid having gained 60+ pounds over 8 months. I started back on Synthroid and continued to gain and feel miserable, despite having 'good' numbers. - I am going fo...
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Let's play a bit of catch up, I always wanted this blog to be about helping other people with less time than I have. People who have similar ailments, but limited resources. I have time, I listen to every health podcast (and true crime). I read every article, I am a complete information junk. I spend my free time figuring out what works, on my own and with professionals, I read self help books. But I am just me, I am not a professional, I don't have a wall of certifications, so this blog turns into more of a journal entry that you might pull wisdom from. Let's get all caught up; The Weight Loss scam grant; I completed a full year with the program which doesn't tell you anything. In that year I paid $3000 and I spoke with a dietitian 3 times, a counselor once and a fitness girl 5 times. The company I started with went bankrupt, the company that took over my contract wasn't registered with the program and would require my final weigh in to be at another cli...
What's the thought process and the deep sub-conscious drive that continues self destructive behaviour. How an intelligent and beautiful human being can hate themselves so much that they intentionally sabotage and harm themselves. Saturday afternoon; I am alone in the house with my little people. We're just lounging around, no one is feeling well and I don't have the energy to make up something fun outside the house. As we fend for ourselves, my boredom turns into hunger, cravings and desire. I have nothing but time while they sleep. I'm caught up on all my shows, I don't have a hobby, I am not tired enough for sleep, but I AM to tired to workout. I pace thinking about chocolate, sugar, salt and fat. I remember the cookie cupboard, recently replenished by a well intentioned Mother in Law. It has Oreo's and rainbow chocolate chip. I circle around and try to distract with carrot sticks, gum, juice and another litre of water, but now my entire thought is how to ea...
I continue the crusade to persuade everyone (myself included) that I am not just lazy, something is wrong. It’s been a full couple of weeks with a new team. It started with a trip to my family doctor and an hour of dialogue with his nurse practitioner who actually heard me, when I said ‘something is wrong’. She asked a ton of questions and I walked away with a req’ for an ultrasound, a handful for blood work and an appointment to send a scope down my throat to see everything along the way. I’ve been having chest pain, heart burn and trouble swallowing for the past couple of months, enough that I need that resolved before I can be well. Not everyone knows, but I have a long history with Bulimia and without knowing it*... caused a lot of damage to my esophagus. The scope should check the scar tissue and damages and go all the way into my stomach to see what’s causing all the trouble. Waiting for the results I find myself hoping for something, something to show I am no...
Frank is still a thing, it's been 3 months since my last post and still I have no good news. It is the most frustrating experience, I started in June on a quest to get my thyroid functioning and my life in order. I know all of my obsessions will be solved with an active thyroid. My biggest obsession is my weight and my appearance; as I am learning neither will be what I want as long as I have a defunct system. I drink 6+ litres of water a day, I sleep 8+ hours a night, I exercise for 30 minutes everyday (I practice active recovery), I track everything I consume, I meal prep and calorie count. My NRF2 is activated. I supplement with NDT and still take my Synthetic Thyroid. I work with a Naturopath, Dietitian, Kinesologist, Psychologist and more... I am sure there is more. All of that and in the last 2 months I have only gained, inches and pounds. I am working to curb my obsession; I can only weigh in once a week and I have to listen to my body when it comes to strength train...
I wanted this blog to be a resource; I wanted to write meaningful posts about progress, tips, support and encouragement. My end goal is to help everyone who’s every felt less than enough – be enough. Then I ramble about wanting to eat all the chocolate like a savage. I want to update you on my no progress, but then I don’t see the value – the worth, my worth. And to be fair, there is progress; it’s just not on the scale, but I feel better. It’s also hard to brag about immeasurable progress. Can you see my lowered anxiety? Can you feel my sense of security in my relationship? Do you sleep soundly with me at night? It’s also hard to share the successes, when my biggest struggle is the grey area (or the gray matter, if we’re being literal). I live in a world of right and wrong, black and white, success and failure. I obsessively follow the rules and/or obsessively beat myself up about breaking them. These obsessions affect my mood, my value and my life. If I am try...
Two words that hold a lot of meaning, they have to come with context, emphasis and understanding. It might mean, I am holding it together, but I am not yet ok. It might mean, I am annoyed by your decision, but know it’s yours to make. It might mean, I’m not sure how to tell you, I am not ok, but I need more time to be ready to share. I’m fine. It's the end of the conversation, it blocks follow-up questions or expectations of further discussion. It’s the politest answer to a question you’re tired of being asked. A question that comes from a good place, from a caring place. I am fine. I am still walking up right, still breathing. I am still a functioning human being, but my heart isn’t in it right now. I am fine, but I can’t talk about it. And I will be fine, until I am ok... until I am good.
I got my package. I will write a post about it, but I am still overwhelmed and waiting for guidance. I read it cover to cover and took away the things I could understand: Eat every 3 hours during waking hours, to keep my metabolism humming along (I am not sure if this is old-truth, but as I promised Richard, I will do the program as it was designed for me). I am designed for 'burst' work-outs, but likely to obtain soft tissue injuries. I tolerate alcohol well, because of this I don't likely have hang-overs and need to be conscious of my intake. I need to set 5 attainable and measurable goals (harder than it sounds). Mindfulness eating will likely be the key to my success. Let's look at number 5; mindful eating. This is what keeps you from eating out of boredom, prevents mindless snacking and makes the process of eating more enjoyable. I think it's the same principle as food journals or budget journals -- being aware and in the moment keeps you from ov...
Have I become a victim of my own ambitions? I wonder if I have too many balls in the air, if my system is confused and bumping into itself trying to figure out what I am trying to achieve. I made a list on the weekend and was astounded; Mental and Physical improvement is a long list. And I know from the Willpower Instinct, its human nature to fail at secondary tasks. We have willpower for one thing; dieters tend to spend more, reformed shopaholics eat more etc. So here is my list; Weight Loss Grant Program (Dietitian, Kinesologist, Behavioural Therapist Dental Overhaul (cleaning, extraction, fillings) Cogitative Behavioural Therapy to correct the OCD and manage the GAD Thyroid Dysfunction; working with a Naturopath and my GP unsuccessfully Kidney Infection and heavy meds Spinal Health; working with a Chiropractor Complete overhaul of my office; including converting the clinic to paperless My Mental Health; Meditation ...
This is day 17 (and 18) and I am still without a plan. This does not work in my life, I need a plan and a workable goal, I always have (the epiphany will come shortly). I am still waiting on the program to arrive on my doorstep, I feel further from prepared the longer I wait. I am enjoying my life again, knowing the end is coming. I am baking and eating without recording it, I am thinking less about food and the scale, which will make it go up, but it’s freeing in this moment. So I started a second program, because anyone can handle ONE program, but I’m not just anyone. I was referred to a psychologist for an official diagnosis and treatment. I put it off for almost a year; I didn’t want anything ‘official’. This past week I met with Dr. S to try and find a resolution to my anxiety, which would hopefully ease some pressure and pull the dark cloud away – or at least offer an umbrella. Although, I think regulating my thyroid would be my umbrella, diagnosis and treatment would e...