Enough.

 As a working mother in 2020, I just want one good day.

I don’t feel like that is a lot to ask and I am manifesting my ass off.

I am open to having a good day.

I am setting myself up to have a good day, yet every day is worse, and more trying than the one before.

I work with a health coach (who is phenomenal) and with her help I have switched my diet to be gluten and dairy free (both things I am sensitive too and impact my thyroid in a negative way), I write a grateful journal every morning, including a detracted thought. I drink only water and a lot of it (but not too much), I take supplements to help support my system on days when I can’t do it all through my diet (Vitamin C & D, Omega and Magnesium). I track my daily intake to make sure I am hitting all of my macros. I walk everywhere with realistic daily step goals.

 I am doing the work.

But it’s never enough... that’s the motto of 2020, it’s not enough.

It’s not enough to isolate and quarantine, wear a mask and wash your hands. It’s not enough to follow every single guideline and still get forgotten, lost in the shuffle – wait 4 weeks for test results that never come.

And it’s not enough because even though you are mentally and physically exhausted you still have to make it special for the kids who have 'lost so much'. You can’t just buy a costume and go trick or treating, you have to plan a spectacular Halloween adventure inside your home so they have special memories, even though they won’t appreciate it now -- but when they’re older, they’ll look back and be grateful. Cause I know it means the world to my Mum, who killed herself to be everything in my childhood, feels fulfilled when I say thank you 30 years later.

And because it’s all so scary and hard you make it easier on your kids; with screen time and fewer rules, but then they don’t give a fuck, forget about respect and responsibility so you also have to handle their new tantrums at school and get that embarrassing letter home reminding you that you’re also failing at parenting.

So you take all this darkness to therapy to get help and make it better, but after months your therapist tells you “if you want to get better you have to do the work, put the plan into action’’. WHAT ACTUAL FUCK IS THE PLAN, because all you have done for the last 4 months is blame my parents for being crummy. That’s great Patricia, but I can’t go back 30 years and ask for more hugs! So how do we fix it now???  A gratitude journal, fueling my body is good foods, getting sleep... BUT I am doing those things. I am doing all the things, but every morning this headache gets stronger and the will to go on gets weaker.

And all I wanted was one good day.