Project Rainbow

This is day 17 (and 18) and I am still without a plan. This does not work in my life, I need a plan and a workable goal, I always have (the epiphany will come shortly). I am still waiting on the program to arrive on my doorstep, I feel further from prepared the longer I wait. I am enjoying my life again, knowing the end is coming. I am baking and eating without recording it, I am thinking less about food and the scale, which will make it go up, but it’s freeing in this moment.

So I started a second program, because anyone can handle ONE program, but I’m not just anyone. I was referred to a psychologist for an official diagnosis and treatment. I put it off for almost a year; I didn’t want anything ‘official’. This past week I met with Dr. S to try and find a resolution to my anxiety, which would hopefully ease some pressure and pull the dark cloud away – or at least offer an umbrella.

Although, I think regulating my thyroid would be my umbrella, diagnosis and treatment would eliminate the cloud – let’s call this project RAINBOW.

I have been officially diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder).

It’s daunting to have this on my resume; from now on I will have these two disorders in my life. I’m worried about stigma attached, externally and internally. I don’t want either of these to be an excuse for shitty behaviour. My mind might work in a different way, but that is never a reason to be mean, lazy or aggressive. The comfort is knowing that my dark thoughts are a part of something I can fix.

I also was cleared of any clinical depression, which I wasn’t in line for, but always worried about the generalized diagnosis and medication.

Also, no medication is associated with my version of treatment. In fact, the *17^th means nothing to me now.

OCD is often misunderstood and I can’t begin to unconfuse the issue, but for me it means I have obsessive thoughts that lead to a compulsion to ease them, yet the compulsion never satisfies the obsession.

My biggest one is the boys, I have to check on them as soon as I think about something being wrong. Mostly it happens at night, but it results in getting up multiple times in a night to check them, because if I don’t something horrible will happen. Every time I wake up, I sneak to their rooms and poke them to make sure they are still alive and breathing. Which alone doesn’t seem unrealistic, except I have to do every time I think of them, the panicked part of my mind can’t remember if they actually moved, were they actually breathing, did they need me? The obsession is my boys; the compulsion is wake them multiple times in a night.

It’s the same with the lights, door locks and any electronics, the second I have the thought that something is amiss I have to check, which results in checking the locks (locking and unlocking) dozens of times through the night.

So I am on the scale, but as of this moment it is not debilitating. That’s why this moment is the right time to seek help.

My other disorder (GAD) affects my relationships, because my dark thoughts revolve around saying or doing something wrong, the fear to interact and the constant need to confirm that no one is mad at me, my friends are still my friends and everything is ok. I am blessed with an incredible network of friends who know to reply, even quickly, and tolerate me constantly asking if everything is ok. I don’t know if they even know how much I panic about losing them.

I also found out that what I have been experiencing is panic attacks; the unknown cause of discomfort is the actual definition of panic attack. It’s normal to have anxiety leading in to stressful situations. Panic attacks are when you don’t know why the sudden dizziness and shortness of breath, for me it’s a stomach ache.

These diagnoses explain a lot of my behaviours. I don’t want to change who I am, I just wanted to worry less, panic less and enjoy the moment more.

All this should also help with my ‘ew’ factor, everyone who knows me, knows I can’t handle touching. I describe it as the ‘ew’ factor, because that’s the general feeling when I am touched... ew. I can’t stand the thought of sharing germs, dead skin cells or rogue hairs. It’s why every drink I have must have a lid, why I don’t hug (even my Mum) and why I can’t go in second hand stores (did you know they don’t wash everything, ew).

The therapy sounds scary, basically I am going to be forced to do all the things I am nervous about, it’s about acknowledging the thought and then rationalizing it away without the compulsion.

I need to check on my kids to make sure they are safe and alive; they are safe in the home I have created, they are warm and well fed, they have blankets and are wearing appropriate clothing, there are no choking hazards in the bed with them. My front door is locked, my back door is locked and my husband and I are in between them and an intruder. My fire alarm has fresh batteries and I have a monitor in each of their rooms just in case. They are OK.

Even with all that I still go – what if? And then the thoughts come flooding in, with the nagging voice that checking on them is ok, it’s not far and I’m already up, it doesn’t bother them and then I can just be sure.

See the cycle?

Hmpf.

It’s not going to be fun, but I think once I let go of the worry and the stress of the worry everything else will fall in to place.

This is a great explanation, ignore the agression it presents.

*October 17th, marijuana is legal!