It's a Healthy-esque Thing

That could mean a number of things, but sadly it means that I am over 40lbs gained this year.  In fact, I have gained 40lbs in 7 months. Since I switched to NDT, since my thyroid numbers leveled out. WHAT. THE. FUCK. It was gradual-ish, a little over a pound a week. I wished it away as water weight, an off day or a wonky scale. I thought it would mellow out once the meds kicked in, but my friends they have kicked in.  Look. Those are great numbers, normal... nothing to complain about.  But I am up 40lbs, I am full of brain fog, wearing glasses, exhausted and grumpy.  WHAT DO I DO NOW? And maybe you're thinking... but muscle weighs more than fat and that is true, but I also haven't lost any inches.  You've heard the list before of all the things I think I am doing right... but it doesn't matter.  I didn't feel as pessimistic as I expected. I assumed my numbers would be terrible and that I could blame this crummy thyroid for all my p

There is always a positive message about loving yourself at every size. Being healthy is more important than being skinny, its just a number. But this past week we started working with an incredible Financial Advisor and you know what kept coming up?? My weight. First it was a simple line on the budget for gym, supplements, naturopaths etc. But then as we set up Life Insurance (how very adult) my weight kept creeping back into the conversation. And now our rates are affected, because I don't fit in to their little box, I have to have a full medical exam because of my thyroid and ratios. I want to cry. For all the work I have put in and the number on the scale only moves one way. I try to be ok with it, because I feel 'healthy', but again and again I am punished because my genetics aren't as amazing as Richards... or anyones. The number does matter and mine is TOO BIG. I am too big. Argh.

I have been excited about what's to come for a few weeks now, but I couldn't pretend it all happen easily. I think the struggle is sometimes worth the lesson. I think I need to venture off path to remember why I chose the path I did. This path is mostly well lit, successful and warm. I just can't stray. I started working with a Naturopath a while ago, I expected her to do this for me. I expected her to come up with a plan, force me to do it and I would wake up without all my baggage. It has happen before, but that was when I had far less baggage (pre-marriage, mortgage and babies). This time she outlined the areas of concern and offered guidance, but I wasn't ready. My head was filled with regrets about the weight loss grant and I fixated on a date, that didn't matter, then I punished everyone around me when I couldn't do it. So this Naturopath (I can so easily get lost in a rant)... she recommended the NDT and increased my dose every time I said it

Let's play a bit of catch up, I always wanted this blog to be about helping other people with less time than I have. People who have similar ailments, but limited resources. I have time, I listen to every health podcast (and true crime). I read every article, I am a complete information junk. I spend my free time figuring out what works, on my own and with professionals, I read self help books. But I am just me, I am not a professional, I don't have a wall of certifications, so this blog turns into more of a journal entry that you might pull wisdom from. Let's get all caught up; The Weight Loss scam grant; I completed a full year with the program which doesn't tell you anything. In that year I paid $3000 and I spoke with a dietitian 3 times, a counselor once and a fitness girl 5 times. The company I started with went bankrupt, the company that took over my contract wasn't registered with the program and would require my final weigh in to be at another cli

I went down a dark road. I road littered with good intentions, but still dark and wide. Sometimes my insecurities, my esteem dwindle and I run out of the energy to silence the voices screaming I am not good enough. Sometimes I quietly agree with them and eat the Oreos in darkness wishing I could just disappear. This is the roller-coaster that is me. I try at something and when it doesn't work (usually because it wasn't right for me, not that I wasn't doing it right) I beat the hell out of myself and every aspect of my life suffers. I forget to smile at the good times, I wallow in the bad times and I get stuck. Sometimes it lasts a day, an hour... this time it was months of hopelessness, feeling lost, alone and like a full blown failure. I tried to handle it alone, I tried to hide how it felt to suck at life. Mostly I succeed... something I am best at, pretending I am ok. I think I am on the other side, I think I am ready to dive back into health and wellness, I thin

What's the thought process and the deep sub-conscious drive that continues self destructive behaviour. How an intelligent and beautiful human being can hate themselves so much that they intentionally sabotage and harm themselves. Saturday afternoon; I am alone in the house with my little people. We're just lounging around, no one is feeling well and I don't have the energy to make up something fun outside the house. As we fend for ourselves, my boredom turns into hunger, cravings and desire. I have nothing but time while they sleep. I'm caught up on all my shows, I don't have a hobby, I am not tired enough for sleep, but I AM to tired to workout. I pace thinking about chocolate, sugar, salt and fat. I remember the cookie cupboard, recently replenished by a well intentioned Mother in Law. It has Oreo's and rainbow chocolate chip. I circle around and try to distract with carrot sticks, gum, juice and another litre of water, but now my entire thought is how to ea

I continue the crusade to persuade everyone (myself included) that I am not just lazy, something is wrong. It’s been a full couple of weeks with a new team. It started with a trip to my family doctor and an hour of dialogue with his nurse practitioner who actually heard me, when I said ‘something is wrong’. She asked a ton of questions and I walked away with a req’ for an ultrasound, a handful for blood work and an appointment to send a scope down my throat to see everything along the way. I’ve been having chest pain, heart burn and trouble swallowing for the past couple of months, enough that I need that resolved before I can be well. Not everyone knows, but I have a long history with Bulimia and without knowing it*... caused a lot of damage to my esophagus.   The scope should check the scar tissue and damages and go all the way into my stomach to see what’s causing all the trouble. Waiting for the results I find myself hoping for something, something to show I am not la

Frank is still a thing, it's been 3 months since my last post and still I have no good news. It is the most frustrating experience, I started in June on a quest to get my thyroid functioning and my life in order. I know all of my obsessions will be solved with an active thyroid. My biggest obsession is my weight and my appearance; as I am learning neither will be what I want as long as I have a defunct system. I drink 6+ litres of water a day, I sleep 8+ hours a night, I exercise for 30 minutes everyday (I practice active recovery), I track everything I consume, I meal prep and calorie count. My NRF2 is activated. I supplement with NDT and still take my Synthetic Thyroid. I work with a Naturopath, Dietitian, Kinesologist, Psychologist and more... I am sure there is more. All of that and in the last 2 months I have only gained, inches and pounds. I am working to curb my obsession; I can only weigh in once a week and I have to listen to my body when it comes to strength train