It's a Healthy-esque Thing

I spent 2020 trying to find a new normal, I reached out to everyone for advice -- friends, specialists, doctors, coaches, therapists. Everyone had a different idea of what was right to me, the only thing they agreed on was my mental health was more important than my physical health.  I had one telling me to visualize my ideal self. I had another condemn that idea, claiming my ideals were society based not internal. I had one helping me right micro goals. Another telling to just do what makes me feel happy; eating what I want and sleeping as needed. So much of it had me questioning everything about myself, the way I go about things. I have ideas of what doesn't work and what does.  The take away was I need to find what works for me, outside of what works for everyone else. It means it is ok to do what works for my body that might not be the normal thing - smoothies work for me, I love high intensity workouts, getting up early isn't perfect, but it makes sense. I need goals, a p...

One of my last exercises with my health coach was to write down my ideal self. Who would I be if there were no restrictions? What kind of life would this alternate reality Melanie live in? I thought it was an interesting assignment, mostly because the caveat is the brain will believe whatever we tell it, truth or imaginary. Under this guise, we can tell our brains anything we want and manifest it. If we believe we’re fat and dumb, we’re going to be fat and dumb, but this power wielded correctly could make us fit and strong. Seems easy enough, change your vibrations by using your mind to envision a better version of yourself. I’ve had this chat with Richard before as well... what if we could control our dreams and live in them any way we choose. My first thought is why would be ever wake up? My next thought was what would that look like to me? So... this is the kind of exercise I can really get behind. For comparison, my husband and best friend took a crack at it, my ideal Melan...

 As a working mother in 2020, I just want one good day. I don’t feel like that is a lot to ask and I am manifesting my ass off. I am open to having a good day. I am setting myself up to have a good day, yet every day is worse, and more trying than the one before. I work with a health coach (who is phenomenal) and with her help I have switched my diet to be gluten and dairy free (both things I am sensitive too and impact my thyroid in a negative way) , I write a grateful journal every morning, including a detracted thought. I drink only water and a lot of it (but not too much) , I take supplements to help support my system on days when I can’t do it all through my diet (Vitamin C & D, Omega and Magnesium) . I track my daily intake to make sure I am hitting all of my macros. I walk everywhere with realistic daily step goals.   I am doing the work. But it’s never enough... that’s the motto of 2020, it’s not enough . It’s not enough to isolate and quarantine, we...

 You deserve an update: A lengthy, detailed (read: boring) update on me.  I am going to fast forward with dot jots: - CoVid started in March 2020 and has everything upside down. My kids have been home for 6 months and it's been a struggle to keep them optimistic and motivated - My marriage went through the ringer with all this added stress. We started Couples 'Book Club', code for therapy and it has made all the difference. We're happy and in love again. - I am still working at the clinic, but it has gotten exponentially harder, with screening and masks.  - School is supposed to start, but I doubt it will on time. Schools have left all their planning and prepping to the last possible second. That's all I am going to say, as I don't suspect that is a popular opinion. - I finished with Natural thyroid having gained 60+ pounds over 8 months. I started back on Synthroid and continued to gain and feel miserable, despite having 'good' numbers.  - I am going fo...

That could mean a number of things, but sadly it means that I am over 40lbs gained this year.  In fact, I have gained 40lbs in 7 months. Since I switched to NDT, since my thyroid numbers leveled out. WHAT. THE. FUCK. It was gradual-ish, a little over a pound a week. I wished it away as water weight, an off day or a wonky scale. I thought it would mellow out once the meds kicked in, but my friends they have kicked in.  Look. Those are great numbers, normal... nothing to complain about.  But I am up 40lbs, I am full of brain fog, wearing glasses, exhausted and grumpy.  WHAT DO I DO NOW? And maybe you're thinking... but muscle weighs more than fat and that is true, but I also haven't lost any inches.  You've heard the list before of all the things I think I am doing right... but it doesn't matter.  I didn't feel as pessimistic as I expected. I assumed my numbers would be terrible and that I could blame this crummy thyroid for...

There is always a positive message about loving yourself at every size. Being healthy is more important than being skinny, its just a number. But this past week we started working with an incredible Financial Advisor and you know what kept coming up?? My weight. First it was a simple line on the budget for gym, supplements, naturopaths etc. But then as we set up Life Insurance (how very adult) my weight kept creeping back into the conversation. And now our rates are affected, because I don't fit in to their little box, I have to have a full medical exam because of my thyroid and ratios. I want to cry. For all the work I have put in and the number on the scale only moves one way. I try to be ok with it, because I feel 'healthy', but again and again I am punished because my genetics aren't as amazing as Richards... or anyones. The number does matter and mine is TOO BIG. I am too big. Argh.

I have been excited about what's to come for a few weeks now, but I couldn't pretend it all happen easily. I think the struggle is sometimes worth the lesson. I think I need to venture off path to remember why I chose the path I did. This path is mostly well lit, successful and warm. I just can't stray. I started working with a Naturopath a while ago, I expected her to do this for me. I expected her to come up with a plan, force me to do it and I would wake up without all my baggage. It has happen before, but that was when I had far less baggage (pre-marriage, mortgage and babies). This time she outlined the areas of concern and offered guidance, but I wasn't ready. My head was filled with regrets about the weight loss grant and I fixated on a date, that didn't matter, then I punished everyone around me when I couldn't do it. So this Naturopath (I can so easily get lost in a rant)... she recommended the NDT and increased my dose every time I said it ...