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Day 6 - it's little rambly and raw


Ok, I lost momentum. I don’t want too... but I did. Sorry. Sorry to you, sorry to myself, sorry to sorry. I am so Canadian I actually just apologized to myself for apologizing to myself, and you know the joke is bad when you don’t even want to continue typing it.

I didn’t lose momentum because I wanted to (who ever does?), I lost momentum because yesterday was shit. Like, literally shit. Mother Nature showed up, almost unexpectedly. I normal get some warning cramps, an ‘it’s coming’ mood swing, but nothing just BAM cramps and chocolate cravings. I can talk myself through those cravings, but it’s always a struggle.

Then I had a dentist appointment, a check-up, and I have 3 cavities and an extraction booked from that, because - - that’s just life. I don’t think it is that bad, considering it’s been years since I had a dentist and regular appointments. The downside is the botched root canal from 4 months ago (the birthday face explosion for reference) is one of the teeth that needs to be repaired, but I can’t get that covered, because re-treatment is never covered. And then I had to pay out of pocket for x-rays, because the guy that botched the root canal did x-rays and benefits don’t cover more than one x-ray a year. Fuck, fuck double fuck.

Which is all fine, because this is the cost of getting your life together (step one to living forever).
I think I am trucking along just fine, bleeding money at every corner, but it’s just money.

Then I get my lab results.

The lab results I have been working towards for 3 months, taking increased doses and supplements trying to correct my thyroid and feel better. The lab results, I anticipated being normal range and feeling defeated because the weight gain, exhaustion, depression must be something I am doing and could be fixed my altering my behaviour. It would be hard work, but with a happy thyroid it would be possible (thank goodness because I just shelled out $3000 to be part of a program to do it). Then my lab results ruined my day, my expectations and made me cry.

My numbers are worse than before I tried. No wonder I am moody, fat and tired. I have even less T3 than the no T3 I had before.

Now I am on the hook for thousands of dollars and a body that will never lose the weight, a body that is broken and no matter how much work I put it will always be broken. My first instinct is to eat, cake, chocolate, charcoal roasted chicken wrap with homemade yogurt dressing, burgers, chips, peanut butter toast... anything to make me feel better, for even a moment.

Luckily I had the right frame of mind to recognize the trigger and not indulge, but I wanted too... I believed it was all I could do to feel better, to feel safe, to feel in control.

Now I feel lost and defeated, hungry and nervous. I don’t know what to eat, I don’t know if it matters. I have an incredible support system and they all keep asking ‘what can we do?’, ‘what happens now?’... that’s the hardest part; I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do, where to turn, or who to ask for help. I don’t see my doctor for 5 weeks and he’s going to make some excuse, remind to me to make healthy choices and send me on my way. I could see my naturopath as soon as next week, but I don’t know what she is going to do and I want to at least speak to my doctor, which feels useless and old school, but required. Last time I went to a naturopath first and paid for my tests, he asked why, he would have done it for free... so I don’t know, he might surprise me, but that means I spend another month waiting, getting worse.

I don’t know.

I need to be in control, I need to know. This is why I research, learn and grow, because I need to know. I need to plan and set goals- - -  ones I can meet.

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