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It's not another day one -- it's just getting back on track.

 At least that is what I am telling myself. 

I've been sad and that is heavy. It's hard to carry around sadness and still perform at peak level. I had to use all my energy to exist for my kids. I am not depressed, but this sadness was big. A recent dianosis, left us having to rehome our cats, which seems trivial in the grand scheme of things, but they were my 'we're-not-having-anymore-more-kids' cats and I loved them with all I had. That plus they're the only pets my kids have ever known and they are hella attached. So we had to grieve the loss, while handling the news of my littiest guy having severe Asthma that is impacting his lung development. 

That paired with my horomal cycle at the time of the news, left me struggling to get through each day, feeling the weight of it all. And all of my self-awareness couldn't stop me from falling on my good old coping  mechanisms, even while it was happening the quiet, healed, wise little voice in the back of my mind was screaming -- THIS ISN'T HELPING. I couldn't hear her, she wasn't loud enough. The hurt little girl was sobbing to loud, and she wanted sweets and sleep. 

I got through it all, but that is a tough cycle to break when you're tired, because you are not taking care of yourself, or as my kids say 'not doing all the things'. So I kept feeling worse until I hit the bottom, curled up in bed, sore, uncomfortable, bloated and achy. Argh. 

I am always amazed that knowing my triggers and my unhealthy habits, doesn't always help. Knowing the things I need to do to feel good and pull myself out of my funk doesn't give me the energy to do them.  

Hmpf. 

I started small - I wrote down what I wanted. I wrote down who I am trying to be and then I worked backwards to build a plan to get there, small little baby steps. 

I started this morning with a walk. I went around the block, I walked 1.37kms. Super small, but it started my day off correctly. 

I came in and looked at my plan, it was a detailed meal plan with all the ingredients ready to go (prep Melanie is a real boss at this), I even pre-logged everything. I have a wall of sticky notes with my daily goals and affirmations. I took pictures and measurements. It's not another day one, I have had enough of those, but its a course correction when life got to hard. 

Here's to the endless journey of figuring out who I am and who I want to be. 

Love!

Melanie


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