I am not dead yet!

 I had a moment in the last couple of weeks where I thought "I wish I could have been a Ninja" and it was immediately corrected with "I could still be a Ninja - I am not dead yet."

And I am not. 

I can still train to be a Ninja, I can still fly through the air on the rings (the BIG goal). There is a 40+ category and no women compete, I could do it. 

Then I thought -- what else can I still do? What other parts of me have I given up on because I thought I was too old? How many things do I just accept as it for me? 

I want to jump a dirt bike. I want to run a marathon with my kids. 

It went past just trying to exist and keep up, but a desire to excel. 

Everyday I am learning about myself, every day I am decoding the wants/needs of this brain. I am learning about the parts of me and why they exist. 

The parts model suggests we are made up of parts, all existing to help us with something -- usually a means to cope or protect the inner child, that is light, curiosity and excitement. A part might come forward to stop you from getting hurt, mentally or physically. 

Example: Your relationships always abruptly end (either multiple ones or a very significant one), so when you see the signs/triggers a part might come forward to protect you from the hurt (without an understanding of the actual situation, that most likely has NOTHING to do with you). This part might push you to shut down, it might push you to leave first and withdrawal, it might make you angry instead of sad. It is a part of you, developed over time as a way of coping. 

The therapy I am working on, is distinguishing what part of me is pulling me in a direction that might hinder my goals. Do I avoid looking a certain way, because of the negative attention I might receive? Do I avoid events (big crowds) because of the anxiety and loss of control I feel in them? Do I skip the workout, because the lazy part of me says 'it doesn't work anyways'  and has all the answers that day? Do I quiet my successes to prevent hurting someone else, at the risk of them leaving? 

What part of me is coming forward, what are they perceivably protecting me from and why? 

A big one for me is not being 'too much', or 'too loud', not taking up too much space. I avoid that by not taking the risk, not standing up in the crowd and quieting the voice that is uniquely me, because it might draw attention to me. I need to address that part of me, I need to understand her and tell her I am safe, happy and ok -- so she can SHUT THE FUCK UP. 

There is an incredible Tik Tok sound that says "If I am too much, than go find less." and I am working on being that -- being too much for the wrong people, because "you are never too much for someone who can't get enough". I have spent much of my life being small, hiding and making sure those around me never got over looked, never felt less than. Fuck that. I need to be too much, I need to listen too that little voice who says 'Fuck yea, let's do it bigger.'

My kids love that voice, because it means a movie night -- has themed snacks, games and decorations. It means every family member has a theme song, it means Mum is ready to do anything to take this up a few notches -- to GO BIG. 

I want to GO BIG with my adult friends too, with my husband and family. I want to go big and BE Big -- just in a smaller package. 

I lost focus on this post -- the beauty of writing. 

And there she is -- the reason I started this post, Manic Melanie. She is a part of me that can do anything! She can do it all, she has endless energy and is all positivity. She spooks easily and won't be here for long, but I let her do the planning. 

Because of that -- I wrote to my coach and begged for One on One training, because of her I ordered more protein powders and made a meal plan that is ALL healthy, you should see the cabbage and veggies in my fridge right now. She is ready for this. 

And I love her. 

In honesty -- there is another part, her opposite and she is sad, lazy and miserable. Let's keep her at bay, I don't know what she is protecting me from, I don't know why she shows up and I don't know how to send her away. 

So... I have rambled and now lost focus. 

Love you!

Melanie

Future Ninja Mum