All the things

 I've been quietly (not at all quietly in the real world, but quietly in the blogesphere) working on myself. 

I went down an unhealthy spiral, I lost focus on my goals and felt heavy in my body, literally and figuratively. I didn't realize how far I had slipped from my goals until much later on in the adventure. I went days without leaving the house only talking to people on screens, I felt hopeless, isolated and sad, but I wasn't doing anything about it but complaining. 

I was working with a dietitian who was very anti-diet and great for seeing things as they are, but horrible for boosting morale. Her stance was I needed to change my goals and accept my body as it was. I understand appreciating your body at any size, but when it is hindering your dreams, I can't get on the acceptance band wagon. I want more out of life and sadly a lot of my big dreams have a weight restriction, I don't want to be the girl that lives a quiet life because the things she wants are out of reach. 

This dietitian also liked to point out that genetically I was destined for this body and there was (or is) nothing I could do about, she would remind me as I age that it would only decline. She believed my years of crash dieting had ruined my metabolism beyond repair and if I could stop fixating on the scale and just find new hobbies, I would level out and find happiness. 

I do agree with the principle on dropping the obsession with my weight, but I refuse to settle. That is an ongoing theme in my life. 

I want to do Ninja with my kids, I want to ride horses, I want to jump dirt bikes, I want to hike and climb - I want to treetop trek! All of those things has a weight restriction -- I don't want less, I am young and vibrant and I don't want to have limits. 

And yes, genetically I am doomed, I come from big lazy people that are always big lazy people. My body is aging and my hormones' are declining, or being less in whatever capacity they can be. I know things are stacked against me.

So I shifted my mind set - I am not trying to be skinny, I am trying to be a damn viking. I am trying to lift the heaviest weight, grow my muscles and be the best version of myself.

How I am doing this? 

First, I had to find my people. I had to find a community. I am not a lone wolf. I need a crowd, I need competition. I joined F45, it took a while to get traction, I started going 2 - 3 times a week, setting the bar low so I could feed successful, but attendance didn't fill the void. And 2 - 3 times a week, made it hard to see results, which is hard to build habits. 

So I found my people, but I needed to build the habit, find my why ---and why not. 

Second, My why; why do I need to do this? And what happens if I don't do it. Turns out the don't do it is more of a motivator for me. I see the future in my parents, the bodies that don't work, the missed opportunities and the 'I can't's -- I hate the burden my parents have put on me, I hate that they gave up and are missing out on so much because they didn't take care of themselves.

I am still young and still able, and need to do this that while I can. 

Third, a challenge. I cannot free float around. I need plans and action, I need goals, timelines and deadlines. I need to know what is needed to get an A. I started a challenge, and then another one and another one, but they weren't sticking. I would get a few days in, hit a snag and fall off. Then finally one stuck -- I was at the cottage when I felt physically different. I wasn't winded or struggling to keep up. I hadn't lost any weight in months (possibly years, there was that weird void of no tracking), but there was a difference in my body, a flicker, a spark -- it lit a fire in me. This could work, I could regain all of my successes and hit my goals. Something I was doing was working. This also coincided with my girls vacation where pictures of me in a bikini on the beach surfaced and I felt the weight of all of my bad choices. 

This fire lined up with my return from the cottage (the end of summer in my world) and an F45, 45 day challenge; structure, goals and a timeline with the added bonus of endless support and enthusiasm from the coaches. I decided I need 75 days (the 75 hard on tik tok had taken over my feed and seemed sustainable) and started with a full body scan (I will do another post about the scan) and a wall of sticky notes. 

Each sticky note represented one day and the goals of that day, I just had to do one day at a time. I just had to check my 6 little boxes at the end of every day and I win. 

Daily goals for the 75 day challenge (running concurrently with the F45 challenge):

- Selfie, take a picture of myself. The hardest of all the tasks for someone who hides their body at all opportunities.

- Read, anything, get off the screen and challenge your brain.

- Vitamins, take the supplements that support your body and your goals (more on this later). 

- Workout #1, 45 minutes of work - any style, any place.

- Workout #2, 45 minutes outside - this was typically a walk after dinner to help with digestion, clear my head and feel the sun on my skin. 

- Water, drink all the water. The goal shifted from 4litres to 3 litres, a reasonable goal for my activity level. I still wish it was more, but some days I just can't get it in.

- Diet, find a diet and stick to it. My goal was high protein, low cal. No restrictions, a goal to make the best choice available to me in the moment (which is sometimes the cookie over the cake)

That's it. One day at a time I did those things, I still weighed and measured myself, but not as much as before. I saw the scale dip and then rise, but I didn't feel as affected by it. It just was. 

I thought about the what happens next - how will I keep going, then the habit developed around day 30. I shifted my focus to 'getting to go to the gym, see my now friends and lift the weights' from the 'have to go' mentality. I started looking forward to the gym, setting a goal to attend the most classes in a month. I changed my perspective and started to see bigger results. 

Today I feel like a different human. I don't have a before and after, because I am in it still and I might live in it for the next little while. I see the goal and the lifestyle. I feel strong. 

I am regularly hitting PRs and setting new goals. I am on day 57 of 75 and feeling good. 

I am hoping to hit bigger goals by the end of the year, but I'll do yet another post on that. 

That's a lot of info and very few pictures for now. 

Stay tuned, 

Melanie

PS - I am going to shift my 'read' goal to a 'write' goal and really embrace my creativity. I need to flex those muscles too. 

PPS - I need to sit down and write about my boys too, what they are achieving and what they are teaching me.