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Showing posts from March, 2019

How it feels to be trapped in a uncontrollable moment.

What's the thought process and the deep sub-conscious drive that continues self destructive behaviour. How an intelligent and beautiful human being can hate themselves so much that they intentionally sabotage and harm themselves. Saturday afternoon; I am alone in the house with my little people. We're just lounging around, no one is feeling well and I don't have the energy to make up something fun outside the house. As we fend for ourselves, my boredom turns into hunger, cravings and desire. I have nothing but time while they sleep. I'm caught up on all my shows, I don't have a hobby, I am not tired enough for sleep, but I AM to tired to workout. I pace thinking about chocolate, sugar, salt and fat. I remember the cookie cupboard, recently replenished by a well intentioned Mother in Law. It has Oreo's and rainbow chocolate chip. I circle around and try to distract with carrot sticks, gum, juice and another litre of water, but now my entire thought is how to ea

We're getting a closer look at Frank.

I continue the crusade to persuade everyone (myself included) that I am not just lazy, something is wrong. It’s been a full couple of weeks with a new team. It started with a trip to my family doctor and an hour of dialogue with his nurse practitioner who actually heard me, when I said ‘something is wrong’. She asked a ton of questions and I walked away with a req’ for an ultrasound, a handful for blood work and an appointment to send a scope down my throat to see everything along the way. I’ve been having chest pain, heart burn and trouble swallowing for the past couple of months, enough that I need that resolved before I can be well. Not everyone knows, but I have a long history with Bulimia and without knowing it*... caused a lot of damage to my esophagus.   The scope should check the scar tissue and damages and go all the way into my stomach to see what’s causing all the trouble. Waiting for the results I find myself hoping for something, something to show I am not la